Oct. 2nd, 2013 budhabaar/Wednesday
The Peace Corps volunteer experience has often been described to be like a roller coaster, and today was definitely a prime example of what's to come.
The day started off rough. I think I simply woke up on one of those off day moods. I was tired, hungry, and terribly, terribly homesick. For the third time in a row I woke up early to exercise, but to my dismay the weather was muggy and rainy, thus spoiling another opportunity to get some exercise in while also spoiling an extra hour I could've been sleeping. In language class I was feeling very stressed. I could feel myself going beyond my saturation point, where none of the new grammar or vocabulary was sticking with me. We were thrown into a sink or swim type of training program, and I was beginning to feel like I was getting trampled and left behind. I was very vulnerable in language class. So vulnerable, if I were to be asked what's wrong, I would break down. I was showing some real vulnerability, unable to hold back my tears any longer.
I called my brother and was able to talk to him for about ten minutes. It was uplifting to talk to someone who understands me and that I could trust the opinion of. His advice was very helpful.
The day went on and I was on and off lost in thought. During culture class, where we were learning about the caste system in Nepal, I took a little break and rather than intently paying attention, I let my brain take some rest. It was very gradual, but I began to feel my spirit pick back up again. There were key moments during the day that sped up the process. After our cultural class and a second grammar session, we were back in our village where we had to help collect a bucket of cow poop and a large sack of brown leaves for our technical training on composting coming up this Friday. When I heard cow poop, I got real nervous. And sure enough, it was the real deal: full hand grabs of cow poop were needed to get it in the bucket (I guess my prayer for a shovel was too much to ask). However, I didn't end up partaking in the event as I only had to bare witness. Anita, one of the staff members for PST (pre-service training), took charge and was grappling cow poop like it was gold. One of our own PCTs helped out while the rest of us sort of watched. My admiration for her climbed mountains as I watched her. It was awesome to see someone so poised and official get down to work in the fields.
After we finished gathering cow poop and the brown leaves, the five trainees of Chhaap were invited to have tea at our friend Bimal's house. The tea was delicious and it was a great time conversing with the family. Their house is pretty darn cute. I realized my spirits had turned 180 degrees from how I felt during our initial language class today until that moment leaving Bimal's home. The tea and biscuits definitely helped (I was starving).
I feel like I'm rambling, but all in all, as I lie in my dampish bed, I am reminded of what it is that I seek and what it is I hope to accomplish. With every chapter of my life, I've grown with the people around me and have learn a lot about who I am, who it is I want to be, and the complexities and simplicities of life.
And so, a list of things I seek:
To find peace and joy during hard times.
To have faith in the course of my life.
To give up control over the uncontrollable.
To be happy with myself regardless of inadequacies.
To surrender resentment towards people from whom I feel judgment.
To surrender judgment of others.
To have a greater number of days where I am a positive force in the world over the number of negative days.
To allow myself to be whoever it is that I am.
To work hard, with a smile and without excuses.
To believe in good intentions.
To harbor a place within myself where I can find safety, freedom, and peace.
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