And the Adventure Continues

Alone.  Afraid. Insecure.  Deeply, deeply insecure.

Life carries me from place to place with such agility.  It seems I can’t keep up.  At one moment I’m on top of the world and the next I’m below sea level drowning in confusion. 

Fluctuation.  Instability.  Danger.

The inner critic showers my spirit with shame, regret, guilt, and takes me down into a world full of fear.  She tells me, “Be afraid, for danger is ahead.  You are not wise enough.  You are not strong enough.  You do not possess the qualities of the person you wish to become.  You have made grave mistakes, and you are doomed to make more ahead.” 

I lie on the floor defeated.  “Help,” I cry to a silent room. I believe her.  In the face of adversity, my past record displays my countless breakdowns and the swift disappearance of my once confident counterpart.  I analyze my past and use it as a prediction of my future. 

Weakness.  A constant note of failed pursuits.

I lose focus of my life.  My room slowly turns to ruin.  My work performance gently creeps downhill.  I fail life’s “small” tests time and time again.

Some of life’s important, yet unanswerable questions begin to cloud my thoughts. 

If someone I love were to die tomorrow, would I be strong enough to make it through?

If I were to lose the security of my finances, how would I survive?

What if something devastating happens tomorrow?

What if I were to die tomorrow?

No matter how many times I tell myself to take on each day courageously and faithfully, I am truthfully drowning in fear.  I look for God.  I ask him to take me back.  To keep me within the safety of his arms.  To forgive me for turning my back on him.  “I’ll do better,” I say. “I won’t make any more mistakes this time around.  I will stand up for you and fight for you.”

The fear of failure begins its treacherous creep within me.  “How can I ensure I will not make a mistake again? What if I fail again?  Will I find myself here once again?  I don’t want to come to this place anymore.”  I begin to fear myself.

I begin to judge myself.  I lose confidence in all the choices I make.  I begin to lose respect for myself.

Respect.  Oh, how it means so much to me.

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“To err is human, to forgive is divine”.

I look to others to love me, because I have lost all love for myself. 

When I can think no further and the only conclusion I come to is, “still the mind” and “quiet the noisy thoughts”,

Somewhere, someone, something… reminds me of what is within.

Remember to forgive myself.  To rid myself of blame.  To conquer negativity and remember to look for the good in things.  To be confident in the good I am capable of doing. 

Whilst I have hurt people, and according to the record of my past choices, may make the same mistakes again in the future, I must learn to humbly carry myself where ever I go.

I begin to consciously attempt to surrender control.

I begin to speak to myself with kinder words.

I begin to focus on my life again.

Here I am. This is my life. This is who I am. These are my surroundings.  These are the people that will help teach me, guide me, struggle with me, and live life with me.   

Do, not for reputation or for gain, but solely for what is right.

I am not perfect. Damn, it is so hard to tell my inner voice to stop trying to create a perfect me.  I tell that girl all the time, “It ain’t gonna happen!” but she’s quite persistent. 

From here, I suppose I can only hope to remember to be faithful to myself.  To remember to forgive myself, and by doing so, be better able to forgive others.  To say, “Oh Bora, remember to see the good in yourself.”  To stand up for myself against, myself. 

There is work ahead.  Everyday will be challenging.  Stress, I’ve found to be quite inevitable. 

I will focus on the hill in front of me, not the mountain down a ways away.  I will admit slippage and focus my energy on finding the solution, not excuses. 

I will adapt to survive in my world and humbly choose the resources I am given.  I will remember the purpose that drives my life, and let loose and get weird when I need to release the day to day anxiety.  I will remember that I play many roles in life, but who I am underneath it all cannot be forgotten or ignored.  I will respect what is expected of me while honoring what is true in my heart, and keep my definitions clear. I will take the risk.

No matter who I become, where I go, whom I meet, whom I lose, or what choices I make, I will humbly carry myself where ever I go.